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Join the SNP (Shaftesbury Nationalist Party) today!

September 17, 2014

With all this succession stuff in the air, I suddenly realised that it was time for another minority to “stand up and be counted” (even if that count is, er, one) at the moment.

Yes, I suddenly realised that it was time that Shaftesbury Avenue declared independence from the rest of the West End, and today I officially inaugurate a party formed solely for the purpose of achieving that aim.

For those who don’t know, Shaftesbury Avenue has a proud, often colourful, history. Following the collapse of the ruling Stoll Moss Empire of medieval times, a power known as the “Really Useful Group” occupied many theatres in Shaftesbury Avenue and treated them with corporate respect. In around 2004, we saw glimmers of hope, with the appointment of King Cameron the First to the realms of the Queen’s and Gielgud, following victory in “The Battle of the Palace,” and the treaty of “Les Miz” that same year. Queen Nica managed to share power, with the acquisition of the Palace itself, to add to her dominions of the Apollo and Lyric, and thus the core state has a stable and caring monarchy – one placing the “Really Useful Group” firmly over the Charing Cross Road border into Tower Street. With two inner islands of the Piccadilly (Panter tribe) and Prince Edward (King Cameron loyal), and the outer (already self-governing) island of Shaftesbury itself, this is a true Nirvana and well able to cope as a proud and independent nation.

For far too long, Shaftesbury Avenue has handed over its taxes to the wider state, and seen nothing in return. Sure, both British national companies – the Royal Shakespeare Company and National Theatre present on the Avenue work they originated, but it can’t last forever and the fickleness with which these shows move theatres every 20 years or so indicates just how remote the national companies are from the proud Shaftesbury Avenue economy. Besides, it was Shaftesbury tax money which allowed them to do it in the first place.

I see power itself operating from the Palace of course. Already fully equipped with enough seats downstairs for the wealthy, and a remote balcony from which the poor can catch the occasional glimpse of events below, the perfect seat of government already exists.

A self-opinionated and mostly self-elected ruling group of narcissists, fraudsters and others of dubious morality will easily be found for each sitting, simply by leaving the door open for half-an-hour with a “free tea and biccies” sign hung on it. That way we’ll save on the costs of an actual election, of course, and end up with exactly the same cross-section of political personalities.

Preservation of the rights to trawl tourists’ pockets is a key reason for independence. For too long, other streets like the Strand and St Martin’s Lane have encroached on our fishing rights, by changing their shows more often than we have. By taking control of our border with Piccadilly Circus tube station, it should be possible to prevent anyone entering Coventry Street and thus be unable to reach Leicester Square and land tickets at TKTS without first walking past the box office nets of at least 4 of Shaftesbury Avenue’s own theatres.

Currency should produce few issues. Shaftesbury Avenue has a long and proud tradition of taking anything anyone cares to negotiate with (this is a family blog, so further details by private message only on that one), but in particular it is happy to accept the credit card of any country on the planet, provided it has a “Mastercard,” “Visa” or “Amex” symbol on it. Provided too that the SOLT Theatre Token is accepted at the continued parity of £1 voucher = £1 Shaftesbury Avenue Theatre Ticket, there should be no problem with the changeover.

Better still, we will be able to set our own ticket prices far more easily. Free of the need to consider taxation and minimum wage laws, there is room to slash prices at the door yet maintain a quality of production that should continue to dazzle… at spectacularly lower prices than now.

With proper control of our borders, we should also be able to prevent ever-again immigrants from “The X-Factor” and other “Reality TV Shows” from sneaking onto our stages and taking jobs from actors who have actual talent. Sure, refugee camps may spring up around the Criterion, but that is for the Mayor of London to deal with, and he could easily return many to their “studio of origin” if he chose – no ferry required since Waterloo Bridge runs right to the ITV studios on the South Bank.

We can further improve valued artistic citizens’ lives with the restoration of “Stag (Night) Hunting,” and it’s extension to “Hen Nights.” This will ensure a return to manageable levels of behaviour from both – and with silencers, the cast of “Jersey Boys” will remain unaware of a successful “bag” taken in the stalls.

Shaftesbury Avenue’s unique culture of over-priced inauthentic Chinese restaurants, crappy expensive burgers, the £10 glass of warm wine and musicals that last forever is a heritage which deserves preservation, and this can only be achieved if it can gain full separation from those who would impose quality food and intellectual ideas on the cowered inhabitants.

Anyone wishing to join the SNP is free to sign up below. Details of membership fees and our first Party Conference somewhere exotic (I’m thinking the Islington Almeida?), plus the official party uniform of canvas jacket with overlong sleeves that do up at the back, will follow to interested parties in due course.

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