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Matilda 2: Still Not Grown Up

June 27, 2012

With the RSC having a grip on the Cambridge Theatre for a while to come, and a slew of brilliant reviews and awards (none from Theatremonkey, though, who enjoyed some of the show but nowhere near enough of it), I thought the writers might welcome ideas for a sequel…

So, we know that Miss Honey gets control of her life and presumably tries to keep the school going. Obviously, she recruits Matilda as Head of English, Mathematics, Science, Philosophy and Telepathic Studies.

Problems set in when a child in Matilda’s class is accidentally exposed to chocolate cake. Previous bad memories come flooding back, and the boy reacts by throwing the cake further than a chocolate cake has been flung before… much further…

The trans-sexual and twisted captain of the All-England Cake Throwing Team hears on the cake-vine about it, and hatches a plot to kidnap the child, Bruce, and force him – at slice-point if necessary – to compete in the World Cake Throwing Championships that are being held in Stratford, London, in November.

He/She enlists an ex-car salesman turned Russian Mafia agent for the task. Helpfully, it turns out to be Matilda’s father, Mr Wormwood, who uses his ‘inside’ knowledge of the school to successfully abduct Bruce via a cleverly constructed vaulting horse with a top that opens to swallow him up and spirit him off down a long underground passage.

With a child missing and cake being flung, not to mention a minor as a senior teacher, Miss Honey’s school attracts the attention of OFSTED – theUK body that inspects schools.

The arrival of five circus clowns – dressed in normal outfits except for red noses – to entertain the children coincides with the “snap” OFSTED inspection. Naturally, a comedy of errors ensues as the clowns observe classes and peruse lesson plans while the inspectors are left at the mercy of children expecting to laugh.

Meanwhile, Matilda’s useless brother has learned something from Telly after all, and actually formed a production company with a remit for sport and entertainment. When he gets his (and Matilda’s) mother a role on “Strictly Come Dancing,” his reward is funding for a documentary series.

Naturally, this focuses on “detectives,” and they end up filming the hunt for Bruce. Realising his own father is involved, like a good son he turns the whole situation around by pretending that Bruce has in fact been auditioning for “Britain’s Got Cake Throwers” all along, and getting him back to school under the guise of a ‘publicity visit’ just as the OFSTED inspectors are about to leave, covered in custard pies as they let slip they were thinking of closing the school down.

The clowns give the school a glowing report, and are appointed official OFSTED inspectors as they, frankly, did a better job than the real ones ever could.

The children cheer Bruce, and cheer even more when Matilda’s mother (also on the publicity tour) dances with him. Matilda’s father appears, having appointed himself Bruce’s manager and a happy re-union follows when Matilda herself presents her parents and brother with “certificates of usefulness after all” – after using her “Mind Control” powers to get Mr Wormwood to write a massive cheque to the school, matching the one her friend, the mafia boss has already written and that Mr Wormwood “forgot” to deliver…

Miss Honey’s school becomes so popular that she is recruited as a “Super Head” to open a new Academy nearby, and Matilda is promoted to run Miss Honey’s current school. The show ends on a big party to celebrate Matilda’s 13th birthday, and the curtain falls on a “happy ever after.”

Hope that helps you, Mr Minchin, when you are thinking of what to do next…


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