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Never Funny Valentines.

February 16, 2011

You have to admire the marketing industry, creating an event that helpfully shifts non-essential goods in that awkward period between Christmas and Easter. It’s another clear example of how a religious date has been hijacked by commerce, really, and I’m surprised that those who regard it as a holy day have complained so little about it.

I’m talking of course, about devout Carphologists like Mr P, for whom it is a day he prepares for as soon as his New Year hangover has worn off (usually by late September, provided it is a reasonably warm summer). From buying the mailing list to selecting and printing the cards and then taking them down to the post office for automated franking (else he’d be still sticking on stamps until his next New Year hangover wears off), his preparations are thorough and done with a degree of fanatical devotion few outside the Tora Bora Mountain Range can lay claim to.

It is, in fact, time to remember how Valentine’s Day actually came about, and for those who don’t remember the story (possibly one of the greater ones ever told), here’s a brief re-cap as told to Mr P by one of his fellow observers:
“A long time ago, in a really great city far, far away – from London – there flowed a big river. Wonderful people worked on that river, until in the 1980s a wicked witch took all their jobs away, but that has little to do with this story. Picture, if you will, a hopeful young lady called Valerie. Wearing the local costume of short skirt and tight top – and feeling a little overdressed in the minus 3 chill of the night – she was hoping to find a mate that night. Sadly rebuffed, she threw herself into the river, and the cry went up, “Val’s In The Tyne.” Luckily, she was rescued by a gallant member of the local football team, based at St James’ Park. Of course, they ended up wildly in love, and she ended up a WAG, while he ended up doing commentaries on third-division games for the BBC. In memory of those events, that proved love comes from adversity, the day became ‘St Val-In-Tyne’s Day” or “St Valentines Day.”

And that’s all a true story…

Personally, I think mine is a far more sensible approach… only date those who have read and signed that they understand the lyric of “I Won’t Send Roses” – but to Carphologists, Atheists and hopeless romantic victims of the marketing industry… hope you had a good one.

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