Skip to content

Theatremonkey raves on

July 7, 2010

Following last week’s question about local rabbit life, it is now the local bird life that has me confused. Before anyone asks, that is the feathered variety, not what Mr P means by the noun.

First, a forgotten high-quality rye bread loaf was sprinkled outside for the delectation of passing sparrows. A week later, some of it is still there. Why are they turning their beaks up at free food?

Second, and still on bread matters, the local ducks have erected a sign (or maybe had one erected on their behalf) warning that bread makes it harder for them to fend off foxes. I can well see that too much Wonderloaf in the pond turns it anaerobic, and that mixing bread with Paxo makes them more tempting to poachers as most of the prep work has been done (likewise if you can get them to swallow oranges). However, bread stops them fighting off foxes? Generations of bread-fed park ducks seem to have managed so far.

Still, the obvious solution is to assist the poor things by feeding them garlic and curry powder. One quack and their breath will be enough to deal with anything. Also, for the chemically minded, isn’t guano a major ingredient in many explosives? Combined with the garlic / curry powder, there’s a potent solution as they can literally lay their own minefield.

Alternatively, can ducks learn karate?

Oh, and in regard to last week’s rant on football, a question on the Dress Circle  message board asking if the poster was the only straight male to detest the whole “World Cup” thing made me reply,

“Straight, loves musical theatre, can’t stand football – using the World Cup to catch up on some films and books (“Prep” – Curtis Sittenfeld is a MUST / listen to “Is There Life After High School” while reading to get the full effect).

For me it’s the sheer witlessness of the whole game. Neither players nor commentators appear to have much command of the English language, nor any sense of proportion (it’s always a ‘disaster avoided’ ‘dangerous game’ etc etc etc). There’s nothing creative going on, and while I admire their fitness and stamina (like I do West End performers) it all seems a lot of work and cash for very little result.

I’m not anti-sport as a whole – I’m an American Football fan (hence the ‘Packers’ colours in the theatremonkey website), and I’m trying to find out who I need to bribe for tickets to the 2012 Boxing and Equestrian events finals; but the combination of greed, moronics and vulgarity that surround the “beautiful game” just leave me cold, I’m afraid.”

Funny how talking about it, you can work things out. Maybe Freud had a point.

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: